pure hell!

I'm sorry for such a blunt title, but that is what it has been the past couple of days! But it's not what you may think, I'm not sick from chemo, well a little, but that's not what this is all about. It's my hair. It started thinning a little on Tuesday, but you couldn't tell since I had pretty thick hair anyway, so I was ok. Had treatment on Wed, and it was still coming out a little, but not at it's worst. Then onThurs, Kim came in while I was in the shower and I was in tears, pretty bad. She knew what it was, my hair was coming out by the handfuls. And no matter how much I prepared myself, it just wasn't enough to make it easy. Friday morning came and Kim was asking if I was up to shopping, wig shopping! Her and Arlene was taking me shopping for a wig, even if I had said I didn't want one, they wanted to make sure I had one just in case. We went to two wig shops and I tried on I don't know how many styles, cuts, colors, etc. It ended up being a lot of fun, but also very tiring for me. I did come home home with not only one, but two wigs. One that looks a lot like what my hair looked like before I had it cut short for surgery, and then one that looks just like the cut I had, just in a really fun color, red! I'll try for pics later, but it will be a few days, I'm sure! I didn't go and shave it all off like I had planned. Instead, I sat outside Friday evening and just pulled it out, all that would come, and it just about ALL came out. And I would have went ahead with a razor, but my scalp was way too sore! Not from pulling it out, cause that was a breeze, but from trying on all the wigs. That's when reality sunk in a little more. It was important to me that my daughter see what was going on, she's has been having a hard time excepting the fact that mommy's hair was gonna come out so I wanted her to see how it was happening. Like I thought, she was upset, but Doug and I did everything we could to comfort her and tell her that it would grow back. That was hard. It was hard to walk by a mirror, and I could do it without crying. Call it vanity if you want, but I have had a hard time with it no matter what you call it. It's very depressing. Then today, my head wasn't quite as sore, so I let Doug take the clippers to it. Got me a nice buzz cut going on now, still hasn't made it any easier. I cried. I cried a lot. I'm still crying some. I try very hard to avoid seeing my reflection. I'm sure it will get easier, but right now it's not easy. It's hard. It makes me mad, it makes me sad, it makes me angry.

round two was a go!

Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts everybody! My white blood count went back up to 9 something, and the minimum is 4, so I was in good shape as far as that goes. But... she was really concerned about my iron level being so low and that it will contribute to making me feel tired and depressed, along with the chemo and just being dx with cancer too. She told me that I would have to take at least 4 iron supplement tabs by mouth a day to get as much as I needed and that she really didn't recommend me do that because it would cause really bad constipation and a few other side effects that I don't remember. So she offered to give it to me through my iv while I was there, said it was a good way to "get my tank filled up", lol and it would help a great deal with my energy levels...but...it would add an extra 2 1/2 to 3hrs to time sitting in the chemo room, ugh! Oh well, no big deal, I didn't have anything else planned and I had brought plenty stuff to keep me occupied! Had some music to listen to, a word find book, and my fave right now, a sudoku number puzzle book. Somehow, tho, Doug ended up with that one, hmph! I finally convinced him to go home for a while but he didn't want me to stay by myself, altho I would have been just fine and content by myself, so I called Kim and asked if she want to come sit a while, to ease his mind, and she did. And I be dag gum if Kim didn't take over the numbers book when Doug left! LOL!!! Might have been cause I was gonna take me a nap! They give me some benedryl through iv and that was enough for a nice little visit to sleepy town! But it was embarrassing to wake up and see people laughing at ya! Thankfully by that time, most everybody was gone, Kim had moved over to the seat next to me and the seat on the other side was empty so the rest of the people were back towards the other end of the room. I have been known to "jump" in my sleep, some people may call it jerk, but it involves my whole body, not just a foot or hand or other single limb, and, that's what I did, and it must have been pretty bad cause Kim was snickering and I looked over the other way and there was another lady grinning from ear to ear so she must have seen me to. Needless to say that was the end of that nap! And I woke up sweating like crazy! Sweat was running off my forehead, neck, chest, back, and sitting in a leather/vinyl recliner didn't help matters none! And all the other patients in there had blankets on, lol, and here I was wiping sweat! One of the meds they give me cause hot flash type symptoms so that must have been the deal. I also talked to the dr about the really bad headaches from last time so she changed some meds around and so far it seems to be doing the trick! She thinks it could be from one of the anti-nausea iv drips called loxy (not sure if that is spelled right) and it stays in your system for up to 5 days, and that's about how long I had that constant headache. So she took that off my menu and added a zofran drip and then I also have to take it morning and night for two days. Altho it's just the next day, no headache so I'm happy! The dr was so happy that I done well the first time and was really surprised that I hadn't had any aching bones and mouth sores and of course that the nausea was kept controlled. I also asked for something to help me sleep better at night, I just haven't had a good nights sleep since my surgery, it's constantly tossing and turning! That wasn't a problem and said it was common. I have to go back today for my Neulasta shot, then next week for blood work, and then the week after that will be chemo time again. It just so happens that the next treatment would fall on the 4th of July, so I will be the day after and that will be the day before my birthday! Reading that over, looks clear as mud! I'll have my next round on 7/5 and my birthday is 7/6, so I will be celebrating the big 30 with a big shot in the arm since I have to have my shot the day after treatment! WooHoo, what a way to celebrate, and I should be completely bald to boot! Well, been on here long enough, have a dr appt to get ready for!

Here we go...

The dreaded is happening as we speak! I noticed this morning, right before my shower, that I can get quite a bit of hair when I run my fingers through it. I'm not bald already, by no means, and you can't even tell it's coming out just by looking at me. But I know that it is, and I even shed a couple tears when I realized it had started. Tomorrow will be my 2nd treatment, that is if my blood count is high enough. Now, I'm a firm believer that prayer makes a difference, so I'm asking that you say a little prayer for me that my counts will be ok and we won't have to delay this round. I know this time to take my mp3 and I'll also be taking me a sudoku puzzle book! Kim can take the credit for getting me addicted to that! I might even put me a pair of socks in my bag, last time my toes got cold in there, lol!
Today was a good day, kinda. As long as I could keep my mind off of my hair thinning, I was ok. But, me and the kids took a trip to see the only grandma I have left. Even got my dad to go with us too! It was a very nice little visit, and I have to admit that I don't go see her near as often as I should! I wanted to go see her before I lost all of my hair tho, that way she might not worry about me as much as she would if she seen me bald. The kids had a really good time digging for bugs and racing around the house! Ok, well, that's all for now. Til next time...

busy day

I have had a busy day today! Had some appointments to go to, but Doug wanted to go to a nearby hardware store that was going out of business first. Everything was pretty much all gone, but he managed to get a few things at 75% off, not too shabby! Then we were off to the oncologist for labs, and seems that my white blood count is lower than what they want it to be, but evidently not so low that they were concerned cause they didn't do anything about it. They did say, however, that if it wasn't back up by next week that I wouldn't be able to do my treatment. It will be up, I have complete and total faith in God! We then drove over into the next parking lot for my follow up appt with my surgeon. He said that everything looked great and I don't have to go back there for 6wks. I joked around with them that I would have to just get me a job there just so I can still see them all, I just love all of the staff there! From there we went to pick up my new bras and silicone boobs, lol, don't you just love it, lol! Then headed up the road a little ways and picked up my new specs. What do ya think...



I'm thinking I love these babies! I'm not a big fan of pics of myself, but I figured a needed a couple decent ones before time for all that hair to start falling out. Which, by the way, should be within the next week. You just don't even realize how bad I'm dreading that part. I have decided not to get a wig, I've heard that they are hot and itchy, and I'm just not sure I want to waste my time on it. I can always change my mind later. But for now I just have a cute breast cancer awareness baseball cap and I'll probably get me a scarf or two. I am on the prowl for some big flashy earrings!!! I figure I would just be bald, keep up the make up and these cute specs, and some big earrings would just do the trick, what do ya think? Wow, it's so easy to sound like I'm ready to be bald, but, honestly, I'm terrified! I'll wait til it starts coming out then let Doug and/or the kids shave it off, I think that will make it a little easier. OK, that's it for now.

what a headache!

That's pretty much what I've had since the first treatment, a constant headache. This post won't be long, but just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am doing ok. Yesterday was the first day I started feeling "good", and that was a blessing since it was my baby's 3rd birthday! I felt kinda yucky when I got up, and had a terrible headache, but pushed myself for a shower and to go to church to see him put in his 3 pennies when they ask if there has been any birthdays. He's growing up so fast! We took him to pick out a present after church, then came home for lunch and nice nap. I cherish my naps with my kids! He had lots of company that evening, Kim and Billy came down, and Nana and Poppy came by too! Oh yeah, my headache seemed to have eased off A LOT after I had gotten up from napping, so I was feeling pretty good. I'm happy to report that, so far, I have not actually been sick! I have had lots of nausea, and a few close calls, but I have managed to keep it all down. The headaches have been terrible tho, and I plan on talking to my oncologist about this at my next appt. Today has been pretty good, except when I ate lunch I thought it might make me a little queasy, but it passed. So maybe it's safe to say that I have done well with the first treatment. Of course, I expect it will gradually get worse with each one, but at least the first one wasn't as bad as anticipated, so that's a good thing. I had a good surprise visit on Saturday, Kerri came by. I have known Kerri since 3rd grade and it's always great to see her. And another great surprise, there was flowers delivered to me today from Mitzi! Mitzi and I have been friends since high school and were roommates the first couple of years at ETSU. She's in Chicago now, so that was a wonderful surprise to let me know she's thinking of me! Thanks so much, Mitzi!! That reminds me, not sure if I mentioned it before or not, so forgive me if I have, the design team girls that I work with over at www.3scrappyboys.com all got together and sent me a beautiful bouquet of tulips a couple of weeks ago. Those were gorgeous, and I'm sorry that I hadn't posted it before. It's not hard for me to forget things these days, so let me just go ahead and say that if you have sent me a card, email, call, or anything else and have not gotten a personal thank you from me, please do not take it to heart. I have loved and appreciated every token, thought, message, everything that has been pouring in, and I thank God above that he has blessed me with such amazing friends and family.

continued post from yesterday...

Ok, let's see how much I can get in tonight before I crash. So, we leave the office, am told to be back around 24hrs for my shot that will help with my blood count. I'm feeling pretty normal and ready for something to eat, after all, it is almost 5pm and I hadn't eaten since around 9am. And we really needed to head to Johnson City for more tile at Lowes, so we ended up going to Logan's for dinner. I did not skimp on it either!!! I had a full rack of ribs, loaded baked potato and a salad! I figured if I was gonna be sick that there would be something on my stomach to come up, sorry if that's TMI, but just how I felt! As we were leaving, something caught Kim's eye on the front page of the newspaper so she bought one and while she was reading that, with the paper still folded, the wind blew it back to a different section and then something caught MY eye. I tell ya, the Lord works in mysterious ways cause the headline that I seen was something along the lines of "Komen to tour ETSU", and it was a small article about the Komen foundation would be on the ETSU campus to spread awareness to young women about the importance of breast health. But, it was only for one day, which was thursday (today) from 9am to 3pm, so there was a good chance that I wouldn't feel up to it, but I told Kim that if I felt ok when I got up that I would really like to go and asked her to go with me. Anyways, left there, and Doug had to make another stop in JC, I was starting to feel a little "different" but still ok, but still decided to wait in the truck on him. Made one last stop at WalMart on the way home so I could pick up a prescription. Oh yeah, getting ready to write the next part made me remember that I forgot something, it should have been at the beginning of this post. When we came out to the parking lot of the dr's office, Kim told me that she had added to my pretty little gift bag, and boy did she ever! She had made a mental note of everything the Dr had said, on her little shopping trip while I was in treatment, she had picked up the following, antibacterial wipes, hand sanitizer, baking soda (for a mouth rinse), claritin and aleve, a pack of gum, and a couple packs of scrapbook rub ons that I had requested. I tell ya what, I think I have the best big sister in the world! So, back to what I was talking about, I brought out the wipes at WM to wipe down the buggy handle. I know that there are people who do this anyway, but I have never been a germ freak, so this will be a big learning curve. We finally make it home, and I'm still feeling ok, had a few queasy spells, but they went away and nothing bad enough that I actually thought I would be sick. The worst part so far was the headache. Before bed, we made sure that I had an empty trash can beside my bed, just in case, but thankfully I didn't need it. Slept really good, woke up feeling fine, but with a full bladder. I jumped up and went to the bathroom pretty quick and back in bed, then had a queasy spell, guess I shouldn't have made that bathroom trip so fast! I decided that I was feeling pretty good and called to make plans to attend the Komen thing with Kim. And I think I will stop here, not feeling the best in the world, and think it may be time for bed. I'll pick up where I'm leaving hopefully tomorrow. Til then...

One month til my big 30

...and this is what I do, lol! Today was my first round of chemo!! YAY for me, one down and 3 "mean" ones and 12 weekly ones to go! I can't tell you how bad I wanted to put this off until tomorrow, but I have no idea how I would feel and since I feel pretty "normal" right now, figured I better force myself, lol! I'll give you a re-cap of my day, from beginning til now. Got up, showered, got ready, put on my make-up in the truck (and I know Kim is probably rolling her eyes at this comment, lol) like I usually do when Doug is driving us somewhere, get mascara on my light pink shirt, go figure, make a pit stop at the bank, get a chicken biscuit, go to Lowe's to get some more tile for our tub, didn't have enough, so headed on to the Dr's office. Let me insert a "non-cancer" bit here, we are remodeling our bathroom, I'm sure I have mentioned that it has been completely gutted recently, and anyway, it's coming right along. The sheet rock is up, well 95% anyway, and the tub and toilet are in, plumbing ready, floor tile down and grouted, and we are currently working on the tile in the tub, and it's almost done. We would have finished this evening, but ran out of tile glue. I have to say that I am so excited about the bathroom, it is coming together so nice!! Ok, back to the regularly scheduled program...oh yea, got to the Dr's office, waited quite a while, as usual, Kim came in with a gift bag, all bright and cheery with tissue paper and curly ribbon hanging from it, and you will never guess the contents of such a pretty package... a can of Lysol spray, ROFLMBO!!! I would have never thought of that, but leave it to aunt Kimbo! Love it! Anyway, went back for the blood work, back to the waiting room, waited a little longer, then back to an exam room for blood pressure, temp, pulse-ox, heart rate, and something new for me this time, numbing cream over my port for the iv needle, lol! So I was given the option, and while I'm not a person afraid of needles, or even minds being stuck, I figure that if they offer it, take it! After all, I have been pricked quite a few times, to say the least, the past few months, right?! And in comes the dr, but it's not Pierce, who I usually see, it's a female, young, and very sweet and pretty. We (me, Kim, & Doug) all really liked her. Just like Dr Pierce, she was very informative and explained all the details of what to expect. After all of that was done, I was ready to get started, but the chemo room was jam packed full, no seats. We had to hang out in the employee lounge til a seat was available, lol, which was 30 minutes or longer. Walked in the room and it was filled with nothing but older people, I'd say the youngest after me was probably in their late 60's, if that, and if you are in that age bracket and reading this, please do not be offended. It was just more of a slap in the face that I am "too young" to have this disease. There were a total of 8 seats in the room, ranging from several black leather recliners, a few of them rocked, to a few of the reclining chairs that are in a lot of hospital rooms. I was in a rocker, and was glad of it, good way to ease some nervous tension. Doug sat in a regular chair close by and Kim decided to leave and do a little shopping since it was so crowded, and that was ok by me, I just made her promise to buy me something, lol! There was one tv in the room, but the volume was so low that only the person sitting right under it could have heard it, but there was too much chatter going on to worry about a tv anyway! Not to mention all the beeping from the iv monitors. I was given something orally and through iv for nausea, then the chemo meds, followed by a saline rinse. Not bad, not bad at all. I didn't feel any different during treatment except for a really bad headache, and that could have easily been stress. But when we were leaving, I stopped off at the bathroom, and one of the ladies that had just left the chemo room before me had come out, I was so disturbed by what I saw!!! I have to ask the Lord to forgive me and help me not pass judgement, cause after all, I don't know the ladies situation, but she hadn't flushed the toilet, and as I got closer, it was very obvious that she was one that doesn't sit on the seat to pee! It was covered!!!!! Here this is a dr's office, and germs are even more important than any other dr's office, and this is what happens! She had a younger woman with her, so it could/should have been cleaned up if the older lady wasn't able to do it herself. I guess it just freaked me out a little since I had just had a germ lecture, lol. Ok, sorry everybody, this re-cap has not come to an end, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take a break til later. Tired! Very tired, and a little queasy. Hopefully I will get up feeling ok and post the rest, or maybe tomorrow evening. I just can't promise you anything. To be continued...

so, tomorrow is the day.

I have a 10am appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I also will have labs done, and if everything is ok, I will have my first round of chemotherapy. So, how do I feel about it? That's the million dollar question of the century! I have so many mixed feelings, it's hard to pinpoint just one or two. On one hand, I'm excited to get it started because that means that I'm well on my way of getting them over with. But then again, what will it be like? No one can predict this since every patient experiences different side effects. That is the biggest thing right now, for me anyway, is the "unknown". I'm nervous, to say the least, but I know all I need to do is turn it over to God and he will be right by my side every step of the way. On a lighter note, I went to the local Family Dollar yesterday and found a section that they had of breast cancer merchandise. A percentage of the proceeds will go towards cancer research and it was some really cute stuff! There were baseball caps in black, white, and pink, and two different designs, there was two different styles of sunglasses with a pink ribbon printed on the side, umbrellas, night gowns, and totes, and they were just $5 a pop!! I got me a pink cap and tote, but I wanted it all, lol! Go find a store close to ya and see what you can find, after all, it supports a good cause! I have been blessed to enjoy a couple of great visits from friends recently. A couple of weeks ago, one of my best friends from the first couple of years in high school came to see me. Tonya and I sat outside and caught up on what's been going on with each other and just really enjoyed one another's company. She has the cutest little boy that is from Jan. to June older than Grayson. She also brought a bowl of some really yummy fruit salad too!! Thanks so much Tonya! Then this past wknd we went camping. Another high school buddy invited us to go with them on their first camping trip and I'm so glad we went, it was great fun. Samantha has a daughter that is the same age as the twins, and seeing my little girl and hers play together was amazing, to say the least! Not in the sense that they were doing anything "big", but just that neither one of us would have ever imagined sitting back and watching our kids play one day. She also has a 20mo old and a 10mo old, absolute darlings, all 3 of them! It was a great wknd to keep me occupied. That's it for now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as tomorrow rolls around!