Random thoughts and such...

Here it is Monday morning, and things are back to normal after a fun filled wknd! Got the kids off to school, Grayson had to have his chocolate milk and watch Spongebob, and I get a few minutes to enjoy the world wide web. I'll start with a re-cap of the wknd. We pulled the camper to Servierville Fri evening, Kim and Billy had been there a couple of hours and were already set up and had a great big pot of chili waiting for us! It was great too, with all the fixins, corn chips, cheese, and sour cream, YUM! Ok, anyway, we got up Saturday morning and it was cool, cloudy, and rainy so we did a tad of shopping before deciding to go on into Dollywood. Met up with Nana so we could get our passes. Eventually the sun popped out and it ended up being really nice, enough so that we stayed til closing! Doug and Billy took the twins on the bumper cars and they loved it! Grayson enjoyed the little kid rides, and we all rode the train. We rode lots more, but I'm not gonna list everything. Then yesterday, Sunday, Kim took Grayson home with her and me and Doug took A & E back to DW. They had an even better time then! We got there earlier, so we rode some of the bigger rides without having to wait in long lines. I was amazed at the reactions from them, Ethan absolutely loved the Blazin Fury, and Autumn was scared, but it was so fun! We got soaked on the Mtn Slidewinder, and Autumn screamed the whole entire time, funny!! Nothing like a theme park filled wknd to keep a person's mind off of cancer! Not that I would have been thinking of cancer, but more thinking on the fact that I would be losing my breast in a few short days! No matter what or how much I have to keep me occupied, after it's all said and done, I am still gonna wake up Thursday evening without any. That's a lot to take in. It's been a little harder since I found out that I will have to wait for my reconstruction, since there will be a long period of time that there will be nothing there but a healing incision. At least with the reconstruction, I was still losing my boobs, but there would have been something there afterwards, but now, there will be nothing and I am gonna have a really hard time with that, I already am! Sure there will be prosthetics, but when it comes time to bath or go to bed, even those won't be there. I have caught myself feeling scolded, almost like I am being punished for complaining about have large breasts at one time or another, or for being aggravated with them for some reason. I know this is not the case, but still can't help but have those thoughts ever now and again. And believe me, it doesn't help knowing that my hair will be going either! Which reminds me, I have an appointment tomorrow to have it cut. I'm gonna go with a short do so that it won't be so much trouble to take care of after surgery. I bought me a gown over the wknd to take to the hospital, now I need to get me a bag packed. I'll only be there overnight, unless something comes up. I just hope and pray that when he checks the lymph nodes that they will be clear, and if it has spread to them, that it will be very few. I don't know if I mentioned it in the last post or not, but the more lymph nodes affected with cancer, the higher the chances are that the cancer will spread or develop in another area of my body. Oh how I wish this were all over with!
I got the sweetest little bear in the mail Friday! MO sent me a little avon breast cancer awareness bear and a beautiful card, thanks so much Michelle, it made my day!!

Not too bad...

Today's appointment, that is. It wasn't bad at all. Kim left work to be there with me and Doug, but then had to go back for the rest of her shift. I'm so blessed to have such a great support system! We really liked the oncologist, he went into a lot of detail with us and made sure we understood everything, gave us plenty of time to ask questions, and didn't make us feel rushed or that he needed to get on to the next patient. And, gosh, I'd say we were in there talking to him for an hour and a half, if not longer! Looks like I will be having chemo, and I'm thinking he said it would last over a course of 5 months. So they went ahead and contacted Dr Holt to have him put in a port while I'm in surgery. They will place that right below my collar bone and that's where I will receive all my chemo treatments, because the chemo would just burn my veins and damage them too much. I think losing my hair scares me more than any of this. I know it will grow back, and I don't even know if "scared" is the right word to use, but that's what I am dreading. I asked what the chances are of this cancer developing somewhere else in my body later down the road and he told me it depended a lot on the results of my lymph nodes. The more nodes affected by this, then the greater the chance of it coming back or developing somewhere else. I will be getting chemo every 2 wks for 16wks, so 8 chemo treatments. I think that's right, there was so much to take in today that I can't remember half of it, lol! I am scheduled to have a MUGA scan done Monday morning, and that will be checking my heart to make sure there isn't any problems that hasn't showed up elsewhere. All this stuff is starting to sink in some what, but still not all the way, it seems so surreal. It's like I know I have cancer, and I can say it a million times a day, but I'm not listening to myself. I guess that makes no sense at all, but I don't know any other way to explain it. And I try not to think about it no more than I have to, but does that make it denial? I just cannot thank God enough for the strength he has blessed me with to deal with this. Oh, and the dr also told me that I won't be able to be in crowded places a whole lot on count of my blood count may be too low at times and I will be at risk of infection. And was told that my summer vacation would probably not be a good idea, that was disappointing, but I understand. I really hate what this is doing to everyone around me! Our beach trip has to be cancelled because mom's sick, and they aren't old enough to really understand that. But, I can look at it this way, they are young enough that they will get over it and be happy go lucky within the same day! We have decided to go camping again this wknd, and take the kids to Dollywood! Thanks, Nana, for the passes!! Well, again tonight, I'm just flat out exhausted, so I'm signing out. Have a good wknd, just in case I don't get a chance to sit back down here tomorrow!

YAY!!!! We have a date!

Kim says she's never seen anybody so excited to have surgery, lol, and she works in the OR!! Ok, today's run-down, so far, anyway....I got up this morning, got the kids off to school and all that normal stuff, came home and instead of sitting down here at the computer, I actually made myself start cleaning in the kitchen! Just let me take a second to say, my house is in need of a major cleaning because we'll be expecting company and I'm just ashamed to let anyone come in. I'm no suzy-homemaker so actual cleaning is battle I fight constantly, lol. But anyway, I was determined to get the kitchen done today and was getting a good start, then got a call to take Doug's grandma to the dr office to get her medicine. Just let me tell ya, I could never tell her no, first of all, as long as I'm able and I have no appointments for myself, I would do anything for them, and second, they hardly ever ask us to help out, so I want to be sure they know they can count on us if they need to. But, I thought, of all days, lol!! So, I take her to get her meds up in Kingsport, stopped at the WalMart coming back so I could get a loaf of bread, woohoo, exciting, I know! Then she wanted me to stop at McDonald's so she could get Grayson a happy meal. We got back home around 1 and I let Gray stay at her house just long enough for me to come home a few minutes, she just lives at the end of our road anyway, and I knew I would be going back out to get the kids a little after 2. Well, while I was home, the nurse called and asked if Thurs, May 3rd would be ok for surgery, OF COURSE!!! I was tickled pink!! So she was gonna call and get it set up at the hospital and all that good stuff. She did, and called me back a couple hours later with the details. I go Mon for my pre-admit and then my actual surgery, bilateral mastectomy w/ no reconstruction at this time, will be thurs at 7:30, but I'll probably have to be there a lot earlier, like 6:30 maybe. It's just crazy how excited I am about having an actual date! I guess I better enjoy these puppies while I can, lol! For right now, I better get back to that kitchen duty I left hanging this morning!

Diet anyone?

Anybody up for a diet? Looks like the TRAM flap reconstruction is a "no-go", at least until I lose enough weight. How much is enough? Try 60lbs or more! But, this dr did tell me that I would not have to use the tissue expanders if I wasn't comfortable with them and that he has done plenty TRAM procedures later down the road where the patient did NOT use them and there was no problem. So, basically, today's appointment didn't amount to much. Looks like I will be having the bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction right now. And altho it seems like that is a lot of weight to shed, at least I have a goal to work towards, so I'm hoping that will make it a little easier. We did like this dr better, so that's a good thing, and we found out a little about insurance coverages that we didn't know too.
I had a message on my phone when we got out of the dr's office about my appointment with the oncologist, saying that they want to move my appointment up a day and wants me to call back. So, while I'm on the phone with my nurse, I ask if Dr Holt has gotten the results from my scans that were done this past fri. Looks like everything is ok! Hasn't spread and no more tumors were seen anywhere else! YAY!! She told me that Dr Holt was in surgery at the time but she would be seeing him around 1 o'clock and that she would let him know that reconstruction won't be done at the time of the mastectomy, that way they can go ahead and get me a surgery date! I'm really hoping they can get it done next week! As disappointing as it was being told I won't be able to have the TRAM, at the same time, it was a relief. It was a relief in the sense that recovery won't be as long as we were expecting and so summer plans are not gonna be interrupted as much as we thought. Oh well! I won't have a dr appointment until Thurs now, and maybe, just maybe, I will hear from Dr Holt tomorrow with a surgery date.

Off a camping we go...

Oh boy! The tests are over for now, and we are going camping!! We've had this camping trip planned for a very long time, and the day is finally here! The campground that we were going to had a scrapbook wknd planned and I am a scrapping nut, so is Kim! We got there around 7, maybe a little earlier, got checked in and set up. It was a really nice campground, but a little tight. The staff were really nice, and the whole campground was clean and nice. Our spot was right on the creek, and that sound was awesome!! Grilled us some burgers, and relaxed a while! Woke up before 7 saturday and was not pleased about that at all!! I was on vacation, I was suppose to be sleeping late! Anyway, Doug fixed a great breakfast, pancakes and bacon, yum-o! I happened to remember that I had some hot chocolate mix in the cabinet, so I fixed me some of that to go along with it! We got the men off on their merry way and it was time to scrapbook! Man it was crowded, lol, me and Kim were the only ones there to scrapbook! We stayed for about an hour then headed back to the camper to scrap a little, that way the dogs could lay outside if they wanted to, while we played. I ended up having to take a short nap, the babbling of the creek was like a lullaby. The guys were in a lot of traffic and was gone longer than expected, but that was ok too. It just pushed supper back a few hours, but it was well worth the wait! On the menu for saturday night we had steak, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and salad! After that, we sat around the campfire and just enjoyed it! Slept really good, got up and started getting everything ready for the trip home. Everything went ok, stopped and had breakfast at Cracker Barrel, bought me an outfit there that was marked down that I thought would be a really good one for dr appointments and such. I either have just t-shirts or church clothes, not very much in between! Anyway, made it all the way to Rogersville and we had a blow out on one of the camper tires when we pulled out on 11W. UGH! It could have been worse I guess, it could have been two tires, or it could have been raining. Got that taken care of, then we finally made it home around 2:30 I think. As much as I love camping, it's always good to be home! And besides, I missed the kids like crazy! Now it's time to go outside and let the kids play a while and fix some supper on the grill.

Friday, April 20

Friday was a busy and hectic day, so I didn't have a chance to post anything. We got home from camping a little while ago and thought I would try and get this thing caught up.
Friday, we had to be at the Johnson City Medical Center at 7:30 am. Got there, but didn't know exactly which door to go in, there were two choices in this particular area, the door where all the employees were going in and then there was the "Cancer Center". They did mention at the dr's office that I would need to go to the cancer center, so I wasn't expecting to go there, and we went the other door, and walked down the hall to the heart center, knowing that's not where I needed to be, but at least there would be someone to point me in the right direction. The lady was real nice and I asked her where I needed to if I was having a PET/CT scan done and this is the response I get "Oh, honey, you need to go back out these doors and over to the cancer center." She had no clue how that made me feel, not that she said anything wrong, but just hearing somebody say that I needed to be in the cancer center was like a slap in the face! That was a BIG DOSE of reality, let me tell ya! When we had first pulled in the parking lot and I read that sign over the doors, I just casually thought that I may have to visit there one day, but thought nothing else about it. Ok, so anyway, we went in, get signed in and everything, sit down to wait our turn, and wait, and wait, and wait. We sat in that waiting room for over and hour. And it wouldn't have been as bad if I hadn't been told that I needed to drink about 30oz of water before this procedure, but thankfully I was allowed to empty my bladder if I needed to, and yes I needed to, three times to be exact! When I returned from my last bathroom visit, she was waiting there to take me back and get started. Here we are in this little tiny room, I have a seat, she checks my sugar levels, gives me some yucky stuff to drink, and then an iv in the arm, OUCH! It wasn't that she was rough, it just hurt! When that was all done, she laid that chair back that I was sitting in and put a blanket over my legs and told me that if I needed anything that I could wave toward the camera or just come out in the hallway, and turned the lights down as she went out the door. At this point, I would have given anything to have my mp3 with me, but I didn't, so I just laid back and took me a little nap, lol! When I woke up, my bladder felt like it was gonna pop, so I had to get up and go find the restroom, again, lol. I didn't have my watch on so I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I returned back to my little room and had just gotten comfortable again when another nurse came in and told me they were ready and that she needed me to empty my bladder, ha, one step ahead of ya, lady! The test itself wasn't bad, but what they have you lay on was terrible! It looked like a board, lol, and it also looked a lot more narrow that I am, so I knew it wasn't gonna feel too good. By the time they were done, about 20-30min, it felt like my back was broke. Right down near my tailbone, it was just burning!! It was all I could do to not wiggle around and get some relief on that one spot, but I wasn't suppose to move during the procedure, and I sure didn't want to have to go through it all again just because I moved! Well, that was done, got to put my bra back on, and I was done! She told me that my dr's office should give me a call maybe Mon or Tues to let me know the results. I'm pretty sure it's just to see if there are anymore tumors in my body. It really gives me a peace of mind knowing that too! So that was my first experience visiting the cancer center.

What a day!

I'm gonna have to stop telling myself that these dr visits are gonna be simple and that I will be home by lunch!! My appointment was with the plastic surgeon today, so I could find out if I was a candidate for the TRAM and so we could get everything ready to schedule. Well, we left the office not so happy. Yes, part of it was because he wouldn't do the TRAM at the same time of the mastectomy, but that wasn't the whole reason. Neither one of us got a good impression from the dr., and we just wasn't satisfied with him. Please remember while reading this that it is our own personal opinions and feelings, it's fine if you don't agree, but this is how WE feel. I wasn't comfortable with the dr, everybody has their person space, and I felt like he was in mine too much. And, yes, I know he is a plastic surgeon, and he has to observe what he will have to work with, but he was too touchy with me and that made me terribly uncomfortable. I mean, it's bad enough that I am having to sit in this office half naked, and the fact that the gown I was given was as close to nothing as it gets didn't help. Then he wanted to talk A LOT about the cancer and that he knew I would be cured from it....Ok, I need to take this time to say that, last night, I was reading on the Susan G. Koman website and about how it started, and I remember one part above a lot of it and it was when a surgeon had told her that she would be "cured" from cancer and that her sister thought that should have been the first sign to go see someone else. And maybe it wasn't a good idea to compare my situation with hers, but the thought was still there in my head, regardless. Now, back to my story.... And that I might have to go through chemo but that it wasn't as bad now as it use to be and blah blah blah. This was not why I was in his office, I was there to talk about the reconstruction, not the disease! Then he proceeded to tell me that he thought that a bilateral mastectomy was in my best interest, before he even knew that's what I had decided anyway, because he had a young patient just come in to have her remaining breast removed because her cancer had came back. HELLO!?!?! That's not something that I need/want to hear. I mean, sure, I know that's a risk factor in just having one removed, but shouldn't he have asked me what my decision was BEFORE he started telling me this, then discussed my options accordingly? Then without asking me what type of reconstruction I was hoping for, just started talking about implants, as if that was my only option. So just said I wasn't interested in implants, and asked about the TRAM flap. Sure, I would make a good candidate for the surgery, but that it would not be the same time of the mastectomy, he would have to wait til I lost some weight. Not what I wanted to hear, but I was gonna hear him out. He wasn't interested in talking any more on that subject, he went back to talking about implants! So, I say it again, "I don't want implants, that I wasn't comfortable with a foreign object(s) being inside of me". Ok, he understands and says that I'm not the only woman that feels that way, and starts talking about putting in expanders. Hmmm, without knowing a lot about that subject, I kept my mouth shut until he was finished, I hate nothing more than sticking my foot in my mouth because I haven't given someone time to finish what they were saying. And when he was done, I asked if he would explain the expanders a little more, and he did, and even showed me one. OK, but that is STILL a foreign object, he is not listening to me!!! And any of you reading this knows that I am not an outspoken person and I usually let somebody talk me into things just because I won't speak up, but this will affect the rest of my life, and this is my body for goodness sake!!! So I say it again, a little louder and a little more aggressive, "I DO NOT like the idea of having foreign objects inside of me!" UGH! It makes me mad even having to talk about it here, so to make the rest of the story short, I just told him that I would be seeing another plastic surgeon and thanked him for his time, and pretty much left the office in tears. Not because I didn't get my way, but because I felt like I wasn't being listened to and wasn't been given the opportunity to discuss how I felt about the other options.
Since his office was close to my general surgeon's office, we just went over there to see if I needed a referral to see the other plastic surgeon, for insurance purposes. And it was just meant for us to do that, the nurse asked me to come on back to a room so she could talk to us and was letting us know that Dr Holt was concerned that it was taking too long to get with plastics and that he wanted to know how I felt about having the mastectomy done now and reconstruction later, and also that he wanted me to have some CT scans and a PET scan to check for any other possible tumors. Not that he suspects there will be, but just as a precaution. I will have to be at the Johnson City location no later than 7:30 am tomorrow to get these done! YUCK! But, I still have camping to look forward to tomorrow evening! Also, Dr Holt wanted to go ahead and get me set up with an oncologist, and I will meet with him next Fri, the 27th.
Now, the other plastic surgeon stays booked up, and my nurse tells me that it's possible that I won't get in to see him in time before they have to do the mastectomy, but she would try and see what she could do. When she came back, she tells us that she pretty much just had to beg, lol! Told them my situation and that Dr Holt wanted to do the surgery soon, so they had her fax over my records and the nurse was gonna show this other dr and see if he could see me, and that they would call her back and let her know. We decided to wait in the waiting room til she got the call back, after all, we were taking up that exam room and we wasn't even suppose to be there! She comes to tell us that he has agreed to see me on Tues morning!!!!! Thank you Lord! Who knows, I may meet this one and not like him either, but I figured that I have the right to find out! I want this surgery done as soon as possible, but I don't have to settle on the first dr that I meet just to get it done sooner, ya know?
Well, I have lots to do, like getting the camper packed and ready to pull out tomorrow, so I need to wrap this post up! Til next time....

Don't really have anything in mind to write tonight/ this morning. It's 1:30am and I'm still up, even tho I know that I will feel like crap tomorrow. Went on the field trip, and had a great time with the kids, all of them, not just my own. But we went in one of the inside exhibits and it was a tad bit too warm in the building and that triggered a headache, and by the time I made it home around 4 o'clock, it was a full blown migraine! But I took something and laid down, and thankfully it went away about as fast as it came on. So that's the reason I am up, my dear husband let me sleep til 7, and I did not intend on sleeping that late! I was thinking about my last post and where I was mentioning my trust and faith in God. Well, it made me realize that it almost sounds like I think I am invincible, and that's not the case at all! I know that there is a chance that I won't make it through this thing, but you know what, I could just as easily die tomorrow from a car accident or something totally not relating to this disease, so why bring myself down thinking that I'm gonna die from cancer? It's just that I am peace with it, that's all. Oh, something to look forward to, we're going camping this wknd! AND, it will be a scrapping wknd for me and Kim! AND, the kids are staying with mamaw and papaw! AND, we will send the husbands to the RodRun! Ok, so I feel a little guilty leaving the kids home, but I deserve a break, and besides, it's not warm enough for them to swim, and that's their favorite part about camping.
A lot of people have been sharing links to other breast cancer blogs, and I am saving them all in my favorites, so keep them coming!! I would rather read actual "been there, done that" stories than the medical terminology! (Thanks, Chanda for the most recent link! I have read all of it already and really need to get in touch with her!) I love the cards that have been coming! Comments of encouragement and prayers are always a blessing. But the biggest blessing I could get is knowing that somebody could benefit from something I have wrote, so please, please, please, pass my blog along to anybody! And I appreciate each comment added, and apologize that I am not getting to respond personally to each one. I'm leaving you with a link I came across on another BC blog earlier today, thought it was cute.
http://www.circusofcancer.org/HTH-01.html

A few ramblings.

Well I called the plastic surgeon's office this morning, hoping that I may get in sooner, but no chance in that. So I guess I'll just have to wait til Thurs morning when I have an appointment. I know a few days won't make any difference this week, but I'm just so darn anxious to get this surgery set up and put an actual date on it!! Seems like the initial shock is wearing off some now, cause I have been thinking about it a whole lot more. I mean actually thinking about it, on a deeper level than just the facts of it. And, yes, it bringing me down a little more, but I'm not letting it get me to the point of thinking the worst. The realization is sinking in that there is cancer living in my body right now, and that I am gonna have my breasts taken off, and that they will no longer be a part of me. Don't take it the wrong way, I do still have my positive attitude about it, and I have no doubt that I will be a survivor and that I will be around for a much longer time, but the "here and now" part is starting to creep in on me. And I can't really say that I'm "scared", it's more...., well, I don't know how to explain it. Sure I'm scared on a certain level, who wouldn't be when they were faced with the news that you have cancer!? But, like the past couple of days, I have had a localized pain in my breasts, and knowing what I know now, I can't help but think that's what the pain is, where as if I didn't know I had cancer, I wouldn't even pay attention to it. And I have been really tired, just flat exhausted, but have I really been THAT tired, any more than usual? I mean, come on, having 3 kids is enough to make anyone tired, right? So am I really exhausted or is it all in my head? Little pesky things like this are getting to me. I want to associate every twitch or pain with the stupid cancer! Which brings me to this thought... I am NOT physically sick nor do I look like I am. If it were me on the other end of the phone or email, and I was being told my friend had cancer, I would probably assume that they looked "sick", or that they already feel terrible and sickly. So if the question popped into your head, the answer is no. I still look the same, and I still feel the same. This has pushed me to get in touch with a lot of friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in years, just sad that it took something like this to make me do it. BTW, I have recognized everybody that has posted a comment or emailed me so far. So in case you were wondering if I remembered you, I do. I encourage everybody to post a comment, ask questions, anything! I want to continue to be as open about this as I can.
I couldn't imagine going into all of this spiritually lost. My faith in God has grown so much over the past few weeks, and I have felt wonderful! It's like those first few days after you were saved, and you felt so close to the Lord, and there was no way you could forget he was walking right beside you, and you felt so safe, well that's how I have felt, and it's amazing! Thank you Lord for this wonderful, peaceful feeling!! I can understand where there would be some people get angry or resentful towards God at a time like this, but I haven't felt that way, and don't think that I could. It's gonna happen to somebody, and it's ok that it's me, there is a reason for it. Some have said that it just isn't fair, maybe not, but why would it be fair that it skipped me and hit the next person? Besides, getting angry about it isn't gonna make it go away.
On a lighter note, I got the chance to scrapbook a little this evening, which was great!! I think it may have been the first time I have done any since I was officially diagnosed. A big percentage of you reading my blog know that I am a die-hard scrapper! That's my thing. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you will if you stick around very long at all, lol!
I just needed to write a little tonight and get it all off my chest, no pun intended, lol! Tomorrow I will not have time to think about it. I cannot have cancer tomorrow! The twins have a their last field trip of the school year tomorrow, and they deserve to have the full attention of their mom there taking as many pics as possible!

My options.

Here I am faced with 3 options that will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. How do you decide? I was given my options and told to just get in touch with the office and make my appt to see Dr Holt again when I had decided.
Option #1: Lumpectomy with radiation. If I just go with having the lump removed, the chances are pretty good that it will come back down the road, but not definite.
Option #2: Left mastectomy, with or w/out reconstruction. I can have just the left breast removed, but will have the chance in it developing in the right side later down the road.
Option #3: Bilateral mastectomy, with or w/out reconstruction. Have them both removed and move on with my life.
I knew almost as soon as we left the dr's office that I wanted to go with the last choice. I don't want to be paranoid constantly every time I feel something. I would be thinking there was a lump when there really wasn't, and with the life I have, I really don't have time to be worried about it all the time.
Now I need to decide on reconstruction. It's definitely something I want done, but had no clue what was available. I have read a lot about the TRAM flap procedure and that will be my number one choice. Now I will just have to wait til my appointment with the plastic surgeon to see if I am a candidate. The TRAM flap is where they reconstruct the breast using the person's own abdominal muscle, fat, and skin.
Get my appt made for 4/09. Went in to see Dr Holt, and let him know what I had decided. And agrees that the bilateral mastectomy w/ reconstruction was a good decision. Gets me an appointment with the plastic surgeon for 4/19. When I see him, then he'll let me know if TRAM flap will be possible and we will move on from there. Not sure if I have said it yet or not, but I am so ready to get this show on the road! Get it over with, already!!
So I guess that pretty much has the dr appointments up to date. The waiting is killing me! If you get a chance, and are the slightest bit interested, you should read about TRAM flap, it's really interesting!!

The day that changed our life!

Here it was, April 4th, 2007, the day we went to see Dr Holt for him to give us the results from the biopsy. Kim was at work, she had called while I was getting ready to see how I was doing, so I should have been surprised when we pulled in the parking lot and there sat Kim in her car, but I wasn't. Not in the least. She needed to be there for me, and she was. You can't imagine all the things that was going through my mind. As I said in a previous post, I knew deep in my heart that is was cancer, but still there is that one voice that keeps telling me that I'm being silly, that it's not gonna be cancer, I'm too young! And even if I say that it's ok if it turns out to be cancer, that's doesn't make it any less scary. Doug and I was taken back to one of the exam rooms, and Kim waited in the front. I had prepared myself mentally to either hear benign or malignant, but wasn't ready when Dr. Holt walks in the room and says "it is cancer". NO! It can't be! NO! He did NOT just say that out loud. Please take it back, please. Why me? I'm in a great marriage, I have 3 beautiful little kids, I don't harm my body with smoking, drinking, or drugs. so why me? He proceeded to tell us what my options were and that he was gonna get me some things to read that may help us understand it a little better, and he leaves the room. Kim. Please get Kim and bring her back to where I was. She comes in and for the first time I have to say it. We broke down together, holding one another, and holding on tight! We were told that we could have the room for as long as we needed and then was left alone to soak in what we had been told. So now what? I had to walk through that door and face the world in a whole different way than how I had entered it. How was I gonna do it? I wasn't ready to do that! Can't I just stay in that one little exam room where no one else has to see me and I don't ever have to say it out loud again? Won't it just go away if I do that? No I can't, and no, it won't! The good Lord above had to be shoving me out of that exam room that day because I didn't do it of my own will. And He knew that once I got out that I would be ok, and I was. God provided me with the sweetest peace in my heart and I was ok!
I'm trying, a little at a time, to get this story up to now. It's almost there/here. Be patient. Again, thanks so much for the prayers, well wishes, comments, and everything else!

The next step, the biopsy.

Hectic morning, as usual. Get the kids to school, and the little one to Doug's mom's. We get to the office and had to wait a while in the waiting room, at least it felt like a long time anyway. Everytime the door opened that led back the hall, my heart felt like it was gonna jump out of my throat, I was a nervous wreck. A great big huge nerve pill would NOT have been a bad thing at that point! The lady took me back to have my bloodwork drawn and then we were free to leave for 45minutes. We ran over to Kmart since it was close, and then right back to the waiting room. Not any better this time, still nervous, almost to the point that I was getting an upset stomach. I was so relieved when they took me back, and the nervousness actually left me instead of getting worse. It was a small room, with a bed, the mammosite equipment, ultrasound equipment, the ultrasound tech, the nurse, the dr that was performing the procedure, and some how Doug managed to talk them into letting him stay, so it was cramped, to say the least. They get me all numbed up and bring out this thing that looks to me like an electric knife! I watched the whole thing on the screen and the Dr was really good about telling me what was going on, it was pretty interesting. Ok, all done, I can get up when she gets the bleeding under control and gets it bandaged up. They showed me the little container the samples were in, it looked like pieces of white rice floating in a little bit of blood. Sorry if that was too much. Doug goes out in the waiting room and was gonna call and let Kim know we were done, but she was there waiting on us! They took me back the hall for them to do another mammogram on the left breast to make sure the marker was there and in place, but when she started I went to bleeding, UGH! So here I was trying to put pressure on it while she gets the nurse and blood just dripping everywhere, lol! Got that stopped and I finally get to put my clothes back on! And the nurse walk me out to the waiting room and gives me a great big hug and well wishes. Let me say that this nurse, Greta, was amazing! She had called a few days ahead of time and let me know what I needed to do to be prepared for this day, and then was wonderful the whole time of the procedure, and has even called me on her own time since then to see how I'm doing. God knows exactly who you need and just when you need them, and although she was a complete stranger, I felt as tho I had known her for a very long time. All in all the biopsy was not bad at all, the worst part was that my left arm had fallen asleep because I had to keep it under my head while it was being done. Then I thought it was healing REALLY fast, it was itching like crazy that evening and the next day. Come to find out, the steri-strips had made blisters on my skin! Not fun!! Time for another waiting game, yippee! Won't be able to see Dr. Holt for the results til 4/04. Luckily we ended up pulling the camper over to Davy Crockett Birthplace State Park for the wknd, and since the kids were on spring break the following week, we even stayed and extra night, and came home on Monday evening. It was a wonderful camping trip, the weather was just right, the park was so peaceful and not too busy so the kids were able to ride their bikes and play, you could here the river flowing, it was just what I needed!
Altho I had read that 80% of lumps were benign, I knew not to make the mistake of only preparing myself for good news. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best, right? And that's just what we did. But I think I already knew it in my heart, without having to hear it from the dr.

From the beginning...

I found the lump when I was getting ready for bed. It was in the early morning hours on 3/18, I had stayed up late either watching tv or here online, I can't remember which. Everyone else was in bed already so I didn't wake Doug up, besides, it was in the middle of the night, what could be done anyway? Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep, had to get up for church, so there wasn't any sleeping in. I called my very own personal nurse (my sis, lol) as soon as I left church, begging her to just tell me that it could be a number of other things besides breast cancer, and she did just that! That eased my mind, and I came home to research "breast lumps" online to see what I could come up with. I remember reading on one site that 80% of breast lumps turn out to be a cyst with nothing to be concerned about, especially at my age. By the time Monday morning rolled around, I had read enough to convince myself that it was nothing serious and almost put off calling the dr. But, I did call, and they got me an appt set up for that Wed, which was 3/21.
Day of the appointment. Went back to the examination room, normal routine stuff. The exam itself was terrible, simply because I'm just not fond of the idea that somebody other than my husband is touching my breasts! But, anyway, she feels the lump too but is sure it's nothing more than a big ole fibrous cyst. Just because it's routine, she had me get an appointment with a surgeon for a 2nd opinion, and also an appointment for the dreaded mammogram. Just so happened that the diagnostics center in the lower floor of my dr's office had an opening the next morning, so I took it!
The morning of 3/22 I went in for the mammo. I really felt out of place, wasn't mammograms for older women? Not for a 29 yr old. How easy it was to tell myself that I didn't have cancer! Keep in mind that I was expecting to go in, have this mammo, and get back home before lunch and keep the little boy that comes to my house 3 days a wk. Was I ever so wrong! The worst thing I could have done was tell myself that it was NOT cancer, instead, I should have prepared myself either way. Anyway, took me back and done the mammogram on the left breast, made me sit in the waiting room with that stupid paper top on, and just let me tell ya, not very flattering on a chubby short girl! She finally came back, and this should have been where she says "ok, Mrs. Snapp, you're all ready to go now" but it wasn't. She took me back in to do the other breast and then informed me that another lady would be doing an ultrasound on the lump. Ok, wasn't expecting this, but fine, whatever. Had that done and when the us tech came back she told me that I needed to go back upstairs to talk to one of the dr's. At this point, I still wasn't thinking cancer, sure, it was a possibility, but I'm too young, remember!?!?! Ok, got dressed, went upstairs and didn't have to wait long at all. Went back to another room, a dr came in that I usually don't see, and he said it, almost anyway. He told me that the scans showed that it was highly suspicious of cancer. How dare him say that! I was ok, kinda, until he walked me up to the window where the lady was gonna get my appt set up with the surgeon was, then the tears were flowing! I wasn't sobbing or anything, but the tears were flowing like a river, and bless her heart, I could tell the lady felt sorry for me and she was a real sweetheart. I lucked up, there was an opening to see one of the surgeons that evening, but not for a few hours.
So here I am sitting in my car scared out of my mind, I'm alone, cause there was no reason for anyone to have had to go with me that day. Had to compose myself enough to be able to make a few phone calls, couldn't keep the little boy, had to see if there was somebody that could pick the kids up from school, and then I had to call my husband. I knew he would want to be with me, and I for sure wanted him to be with me!!!
Fast fwd to that evening, Kim took me back to the dr's office and Doug met us there. Went back, met Dr. Holt, now "my" surgeon, he had to do an exam and then proceeded to tell us that it was suspicious because of the size, 3-4cm, and the irregular shape of it. But, because there was no history of breast cancer in my family, I wasn't a smoker or a drinker, and I was only 29, he really didn't think it was cancer, that those two things were just red flags that needed to be checked out further and so I was given an appointment to have a biopsy. That was scheduled for 3/27. I'm gonna stop here, and will pick up tomorrow with that appointment.
Thanks so much for the prayers and well wishes, every one of them are appreciated!

Here's the deal...

I'm 29 yrs old, I don't drink, I don't smoke, there is no history of it in my family, but.....I have breast cancer.... There, I said it! And I have to say it quite often to myself, and even out loud on occasion because it just doesn't seem real. Doesn't seem real because I'm too young to have breast cancer, or any kind of cancer for that matter!
So now what? Do I sit at home while my kids are in school and feel sorry for myself and assume that this will kill me? NEVER! I do NOT feel sorry for myself, I have this for a reason and even if I don't yet know that reason, God does, and I have a comfort in that. Do I automatically assume that I'm gonna die because I have cancer? Nope, never have thought of it that way, and don't intend to start. We all have to go sometime, so if it has to be this way for me, then oh well. All I'm saying is that I don't think of my cancer as a death sentence, so no one else should either. As a matter of fact, I have a very positive attitude about the whole thing. I'm the same person I was a couple of months ago, I just know a little more about my body now than I did then. Don't feel sorry for me, I don't want pity. I'm not sharing this for pity, I'm sharing so you can track my journey if you want, or so it will prompt you stay current with your check ups, or in case I make a comment or make a joke about my breast cancer you won't be stunned or suprised. I will openly talk about it, and will probably often make jokes, so don't read if you are easily offended or think I shouldn't say certain things about it. I am determined to keep my spirits up and keep my sense of humor, and I can't be worried that I will offend anyone.
Now, with that being said, I hope that I will be able to keep this thing updated! And may even have my best friend in the whole world, aka my big sister, keep you updated during my surgery and recovery. That's it for now. If you have read all of it, thanks for being here! Stay tuned for what I'm expecting to be a wild ride!