pure hell!

I'm sorry for such a blunt title, but that is what it has been the past couple of days! But it's not what you may think, I'm not sick from chemo, well a little, but that's not what this is all about. It's my hair. It started thinning a little on Tuesday, but you couldn't tell since I had pretty thick hair anyway, so I was ok. Had treatment on Wed, and it was still coming out a little, but not at it's worst. Then onThurs, Kim came in while I was in the shower and I was in tears, pretty bad. She knew what it was, my hair was coming out by the handfuls. And no matter how much I prepared myself, it just wasn't enough to make it easy. Friday morning came and Kim was asking if I was up to shopping, wig shopping! Her and Arlene was taking me shopping for a wig, even if I had said I didn't want one, they wanted to make sure I had one just in case. We went to two wig shops and I tried on I don't know how many styles, cuts, colors, etc. It ended up being a lot of fun, but also very tiring for me. I did come home home with not only one, but two wigs. One that looks a lot like what my hair looked like before I had it cut short for surgery, and then one that looks just like the cut I had, just in a really fun color, red! I'll try for pics later, but it will be a few days, I'm sure! I didn't go and shave it all off like I had planned. Instead, I sat outside Friday evening and just pulled it out, all that would come, and it just about ALL came out. And I would have went ahead with a razor, but my scalp was way too sore! Not from pulling it out, cause that was a breeze, but from trying on all the wigs. That's when reality sunk in a little more. It was important to me that my daughter see what was going on, she's has been having a hard time excepting the fact that mommy's hair was gonna come out so I wanted her to see how it was happening. Like I thought, she was upset, but Doug and I did everything we could to comfort her and tell her that it would grow back. That was hard. It was hard to walk by a mirror, and I could do it without crying. Call it vanity if you want, but I have had a hard time with it no matter what you call it. It's very depressing. Then today, my head wasn't quite as sore, so I let Doug take the clippers to it. Got me a nice buzz cut going on now, still hasn't made it any easier. I cried. I cried a lot. I'm still crying some. I try very hard to avoid seeing my reflection. I'm sure it will get easier, but right now it's not easy. It's hard. It makes me mad, it makes me sad, it makes me angry.