New treatment starts tomorrow!

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm so ready to start, because being on no treatment at all really messes with your mind! I can't help but think about the cancer growing and spreading and growing and spreading. Plus, every little twitch and pain sends me into panic mode, thinking that it has spread somewhere new. And as ironic as it sounds, I think chemo makes me feel better, it takes the pains away. Then there is the part of me that is dreading the side effects. I was just reading up on one of them that I will be starting tomorrow, and the side effect that jumped out at me the most was the hair loss. It was almost like it was waiving it's hands and sticking out it's tongue saying "Ha Ha, you are gonna lose it again!!" Not to say that there is much to lose, it's not even an inch long. Then there is the fatigue, and the aches, and all the other common ones. I'm tired! I'm physically tired, exhausted, and I'm mentally tired! I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. I'm tired of wondering if the treatment will work. I'm tired of putting on a happy face to keep from a tidal wave of pity washing over me. It's hard to remember to turn it all over to God, and I know I can and that's what I should do, but it's just another one of those things you feel like you are suppose to be taking care of. One of the reasons I've been so physically tired is I've been running a fever for forever, it seems. Every evening my fever wants to go up, no other symptoms, sometimes there are chills, and sometimes there are not. I've been to the ER and in the hospital on two different occasions, but they cannot find the source of the fever. It gets kinda frustrating when you get fussed at by your oncologist for not going to the ER when it goes up, but when I do go, they can't find anything. But anyway, I got a call yesterday from my onc's nurse letting me know that the MRI looked good! YAY!! The only thing that showed was a little bit of sinus in my right cheek, but that has been there for a while.
I can't imagine the stress that Doug is under. Not only is he having to take care of me and the kids, his dad is not doing well at all. Honestly, we didn't know if he would make it til we came home from Florida. His kidneys are just about done, not working hardly at all. He seems to be in a daze most of the time, but he will still talk to you. He's not eating hardly anything. So please just keep him in your prayers, also the whole family.