Today's appointment...

I had a late evening appointment with Dr Holt today and it went really well. He said that everything was looking good, that it was possible that I may have a little fluid on the right side, but for me to just keep an eye on it and come in if it looks like it's getting worse. But I was told that I can leave the ace bandage off if I want, and if the steri strips start to peel, I can go ahead and take those off. He did tell me that my cancer was stage 2b. I didn't realize that there was an "a&b", but there can be in stages 1 or 2, and with the size of my tumor being almost 4cm, that's what bumped it to 2"b" rather than just stage 2. He seems to think that everything is going good and looking like he wants it to, so I don't have to go back to his office for two wks, well, actually he will be gone so I go back next friday, before he leaves town. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and then I see my oncologist Wed. He should tell us then about when I will start chemo and if I will have to have radiation or not. Dr. Holt told me today that there was still a good chance that I will have radiation, that the general rule of thumb was usually if there are 3 lymph nodes or more affected, but that I had 2 and given my young age, it would be a good idea. So, I should find out something Wednesday. Then on Friday, my twins will graduate kindergarten! I can't believe that they have went through their first year of school already, time flies! I'm so proud of them!! Well, that's about it for now, I think I feel like working on a few handmade cards while Doug works on remodeling the bathroom. See ya soon!

Hi!

My appointment with Dr. Holt went good Thurs., I got both drains taken out and the bandage taken off of the port. Even cracked a few jokes with the doc, laughter always makes ya feel better! I have to say, the staff in that office is great! They know me by name now, so I don't have to sign in, and his nurse is amazing! She is so sweet and understanding, but so are the ladies at the front desk too! I just couldn't ask for better people to deal with! Having the drains taken out wasn't as easy this go around as it was having that first one removed! This time I knew what to expect and knew it would be uncomfortable! And, it was, but well worth it! I didn't think he was gonna take out the one in the right side, he had to think about it a long time, and I even told him I wouldn't pout to bad if he decided to leave it in, but he DID take it out and I could have easily hugged his neck! Ok, maybe not "easily" since I can't get my arms up to high, but you know what I mean. I will have to say that going out in public has not been no where near as bad as I thought it would be. I was afraid that I would be too self conscious about not having breasts, but it really doesn't bother me. But, since I am overweight, it looks like I'm about to drop a baby at any time, lol! With no boobs there, it draws lots more attention to my belly. I'm sure there have been plenty people see me and wonder what the deal is, why don't I look "right". But, doesn't bother me none. Depression is trying to sink in, and trying real hard. Here I was, not able to shower because of those drains, and even tho I have a wonderful husband that was helping me in ways that a man should never have to do, I was really upset that I couldn't do it for myself! I can't get comfy in the bed, I am use to sleeping on my side, and I just cannot do that right now, and it is extremely frustrating that I can't toss and turn in the bed like I want, instead I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and it feels like I have knots in my back where I can't move around in bed. Then I would have to wake Doug up so he can help me sit up, or whatever, so I can get some relief, then try and go back to sleep, I tell ya, I have really lost out on good rest here lately! Then visitors, haven't had many, so that doesn't help matters. I'm sure that everyone is using the "wait til you feel like it" before visiting, but I'm feeling like it now. I'm doing really good, honestly! I was only laid up on the couch for the first few days home, now I'm up walking and doing mostly normal things. The fact that my kids aren't home really bothers me. I miss them really bad! I have gotten to see them almost everyday, and I'm thankful for that, but I still miss 'em! These are just a few of the things I am having to battle along with the cancer. It's not an easy battle, but I have God on my side and that makes it easier. Again, thanks for the cards that have been coming! Thank you, Dianne, for the book and goodies for the kids, they were tickled to have their own mail, lol! Thanks, Amy, for the angel clip, it's beautiful! I need to give my left arm/hand a break, so til next time...

One week ago today...

Right now it's a little after 6am, been up a little while, couldn't sleep. So I thought now would be a good time to get updated on my blog. Didn't even realize that one week ago today was when my surgery was, as a matter of fact, I was just getting into my hospital gown right about now. Kim and Billy was waiting for us at the hospital, and Dad and Arlene came in just a few short minutes after that and then my mom and her friend Cathy. It was nice to have them all there to help keep my mind off of what was about to happen, I was losing my breasts for heavens sakes, I think I was entitled to a little chit chat to keep me occupied, right? They came to get me around 6:45, give or take a few minutes, it was time for the "I love you"s and "we'll see you in a little while" and all those things. Handed my glasses over to Doug, and a sweet tender kiss accompanied by a few tears and we had to say bye for the moment. I can't see anything without my glasses or contacts, so I was so uncomfortable with that alone, not to mention everything else that was going on. They got me an iv started and gave me something to relax me a little and it was working quite well until my surgeon came to me with the dye to inject in my left breast. This was going to help him see the lymph nodes, and that HURT!!!! So much for me being all relaxed, the pain from that needle in my breast, at the nipple area, none the less! But thankfully, it wasn't long after that they took me on back to the operating room. I can't remember exactly what song was playing, but I do remember it was one that I liked myself, and I remember the nurse anesthetist, which was a very handsome male, was trying to make me comfortable by making small talk and something was said about feeling like I had had a few beers, lol!! No, I don't drink, but it was funny, whatever it was, lol! Then the mask and I was in la la land, having me a good ole nap! Then next thing I remember was waking up in recovery and I was burning up! And getting so hot made me nauseous, and I was trying to tell that nurse and she would just tell me that I was ok it was where they had in me in a bear hug,( heated blanket) but she wouldn't make any effort to make me comfortable. Where I was still groggy, my speech was slurred, so I don't know if she didn't understand me or just wouldn't do anything about it, but either way I was getting very frustrated, and that didn't help the nausea any! I remember crying when I woke up and just had this incredible need to see Doug, I just felt like I missed him so much and I NEEDED him there with me right then, and of course he couldn't be in the recovery room, so there was another thing not going my way, lol. But then I do see a familiar face, it was Greta, the nurse that had assisted in my biopsy. She was such a blessing and comfort then, and had called a couple of times after my biopsy to see how I was, so she is kinda special to me. She had seen Doug in the hallway and came in to find me, she held my hand and told me that he was waiting on me, and I think she walked out with me when they were taking me to my room, but by this time I was fighting back the nausea so bad that I can't remember what was going on. I was telling them that I was sick, and was handed this little bitty kidney shaped pan, and I knew that I would not be able to hit that little thing, so I was trying my hardest to hold it back. They got me to my room and in my bed, after several "rests" cause I thought I would be sick, but just as soon as I was in my bed, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it any longer. I seen the bigger pan at the end of my bed and was pointing to it and Doug couldn't figure out what I needed, bless his heart, he was picking up everything! The pan, finally, made it's way to my head, and that was it! So they finally gave me something to ease my stomach, and something to head off the pain, so I was once again in la la land, sleeping like a baby! So I pretty much slept the rest of the day, til later in the evening, Kim and Doug managed to get me up and in the bathroom, then they changed me into the gown I had brought, and I sat up in the bed for a little bit. Had some ice chips, then a diet sprite. I had "room service" to bring me a little cup of orange sherbet, and when I say little, I mean LITTLE! But, it tasted good in my mouth, and was cool and smooth. Then I had Doug go out to Chick-Fil-A to get me some chicken nuggets, took me a little while, but I finally got those down. As far as visitors, of course Kim and Doug was with me, and my cousin Tracy stopped by and brought me some beautiful flowers, then Dad and Arlene came back that evening, but that was it. Kim brought me breakfast Fri morning, and it was good! Nothing much happened, Dr. Holt came in and said I could go home. Dad and Arlene showed up right when I was dressed and ready to go, so they decided to go get our lunch and meet us at the house. Nothing much more happened that day, so I'm gonna close this post up. I have a couple appointments today, one is lab work for the oncologist, and then I go back to see Dr. Holt. I'm really hoping that my drains come out today, they are getting to be aggravating! And he will also take the bandaging off of where the port was placed, and that will be a good thing cause it has been itching me like crazy, that's a sign of healing, if I'm not mistaken. So anyway, til next time....

Some good news...

My appointment with Dr Holt went well today, at least I thought so anyway, lol! He had taken out 17 lymph nodes and only 2 were positive for cancer! That was a huge relief! I'm pretty sure I posted in a previous post that the more nodes that it had spread to meant the greater the chance that the cancer would develop somewhere else in my body, so since it was only 2 out of the 17 he took, I thought that was pretty dag gone good! He also told us that the tumor was a little bigger than what they had measured during the biopsy, they thought it was just over 3cm but it was actually 3.9cm, almost 4, but that it was close to the skin and that was a good thing. He did remove the bandages, and it was very hard, I only glanced down for a very short peak, and knew I wasn't ready to cross that bridge. He did remove one of the three drains I had, so that was good, and I go back thurs and he will probably take another one out. That was really uncomfortable, but it was over quick. He will also uncover the bandage where the port is, and that will feel better too! So I'm wrapped back up in another ace bandage, but without the extra gauze, and was told I could take it off to let it "breath" if I felt like it, but it was up to me. Just let me say, it probably will NOT be coming off before I go back on thurs. That's it for now.

On the tube...

I had been seeing the commercial for this for the past few days and wanted to watch, it was "Living with cancer", hosted by Ted Koppel, and he had his best friend there along with Elizabeth Edwards and Lance Armstrong. I just happen to run across it last night so didn't get to watch from the very beginning, but it comes back on tonight at 8 o'clock est, on the Discovery Times channel. But check your local listings to see if it will be coming on where you are, I really suggest anyone watch it, if you have cancer or not. It, well what I parts I seen of it, was so educating, but not in the text book way, in the personal way that most people understand. It was mostly the story of Ted's friend, Larry (I think that's what his name is, please forgive me if it isn't!) and a documentation of his journey with cancer so far. Then the stories of Lance Armstrong's battle with his cancer and Elizabeth Edwards current battle with breast cancer. Of course, it hit home way too hard for me and I was doing a lot of crying, but still at the same time I couldn't turn it off, I felt like a sponge and just wanted to absorb every word that was said. I'm gonna try to find out if it's available to purchase sometime today, just in case I forget about it again this evening. Anyway, it's very informative and it will really open your eyes up to things I know that I didn't know, and it will help you understand things a little better if you know someone that is living with the disease.
Ok, now, getting back to the more personal stuff. I really have missed sitting down here and writing, letting it out, so to speak. I hope that I remember to come back later and post just about the surgery itself, cause that will be long. But coming home is what I will talk about right now. It's great to be home, altho I miss my kiddos like crazy, I know that they are being well taken care of and that they are still young enough that they will forget about most of this, and for that I have to be thankful! It's been really hard dealing with the fact that I can't do it all on my own. So, again, I have to be thankful for my caregivers, mainly my dear dear husband! My sister has been great, as well as my dad and step mom, she has been cooking some great meals for us! Ok, so I'm not gonna be able to post as much as I wanted to this time, my left arm and hand are getting extremely tired. That's the side the cancer was in and where the lymph nodes were removed. So I guess you will just have to wait a while for any more. I do have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today, so keep me in your thoughts and prayers for that. I think he will be removing my bandages, and honestly, I'm not ready for that part. So I need prayers!! Thanks for the comments, everybody, it helps keep my spirits up!

It's me, Kristi!

It won't be a long post, but I just wanted to see how good I really felt, lol. And the left side, where the lymph nodes were taken, feels like I have a cinder block tied to it! I wanted to thank everyone for EVERYTHING!! I have gotten some great cards, comments, emails, gifts, and it has all brought lots of smiles to my face! Now, if someone could find me a cure for the itches, I would be set! I'm pretty sure it's a side effect from the pain medicine, so I know it will eventually go away. Ok, well, I believe I have done enough, till next time....

She's home now!

She got discharged around 11 am this morning....home now and resting after getting some good food in her belly and a couple of hugs and kisses from the kiddos. Doing as well as could be expected, and then some! I'm sure she'll be back online and getting everyone up to date before too much longer.

Surgery day update

Kim here, checking in. Sorry I'm late, but it's been a very looooong day! I don't do 5:30am for just anybody mind you! Gonna give it to ya in a nutshell, then I'm headed to bed.

Surgery got started a little before 8am, lasted around 3 hours, then about an hour in recovery. The surgery itself went well, according to Dr. Holt. The post-anesthesia nausea & vomiting set in right after getting up to her room, but with the help of a few IV meds, it didn't take too long to resolve. (Not to mention, it makes for some good sleep time!) She eventually roused up and felt well enough to try a few ice chips and Sprite, followed later with some orange sherbet, and topped off this evening with Chick-fil-A nuggets and a milkshake. That's definitely a good sign! As long as she has an uneventful night and adequate pain control tomorrow, they anticipate discharging her home. I'll fill ya in then............

Tomorrow is the big day!

Well, let's see, in less than 12hrs, my boobs will be "no more"! Seems like a waste to me, they look and feel like a pretty good set, it's a shame they have to be trashed! Oh well, better my boobs than all of me, right? So I have to be at the hospital at 5:30am, and then they will take me to the holding area about an hour after that to get my iv started and all that good stuff, then into the OR around 7:10 or so, then the actual procedure, then in recovery for an hour or so, sounds like a long day, huh? Won't be for me tho, I will be off in another world and sleeping good! But please say a prayer for my husband, he will need it even if he won't admit it! Not that the rest of the family won't, but you know what I mean. Well, I'm as ready as I ever will be I guess. Have my bag packed and ready, kids are all taken care of. Oh crap! I forgot, I meant to go buy a couple new bras to have. HaHa! Anyway, I'm gonna have Kim update for my adoring fans. Not exactly sure when it will be, maybe sometime tomorrow evening or later in the night, but it will be sometime. Thanks for all the cards I have been getting, loving them! Angie, your card was adorable and I got a great big smile from it! If you have emailed me, or called and left a message and I haven't gotten back, please don't take it personal! We have been so busy, and things have just been CRAZY!!! Ok, I'm off to bed to try to get some sleep. Hope to see you all soon! (as is back posting here)

Random thoughts and such...

Here it is Monday morning, and things are back to normal after a fun filled wknd! Got the kids off to school, Grayson had to have his chocolate milk and watch Spongebob, and I get a few minutes to enjoy the world wide web. I'll start with a re-cap of the wknd. We pulled the camper to Servierville Fri evening, Kim and Billy had been there a couple of hours and were already set up and had a great big pot of chili waiting for us! It was great too, with all the fixins, corn chips, cheese, and sour cream, YUM! Ok, anyway, we got up Saturday morning and it was cool, cloudy, and rainy so we did a tad of shopping before deciding to go on into Dollywood. Met up with Nana so we could get our passes. Eventually the sun popped out and it ended up being really nice, enough so that we stayed til closing! Doug and Billy took the twins on the bumper cars and they loved it! Grayson enjoyed the little kid rides, and we all rode the train. We rode lots more, but I'm not gonna list everything. Then yesterday, Sunday, Kim took Grayson home with her and me and Doug took A & E back to DW. They had an even better time then! We got there earlier, so we rode some of the bigger rides without having to wait in long lines. I was amazed at the reactions from them, Ethan absolutely loved the Blazin Fury, and Autumn was scared, but it was so fun! We got soaked on the Mtn Slidewinder, and Autumn screamed the whole entire time, funny!! Nothing like a theme park filled wknd to keep a person's mind off of cancer! Not that I would have been thinking of cancer, but more thinking on the fact that I would be losing my breast in a few short days! No matter what or how much I have to keep me occupied, after it's all said and done, I am still gonna wake up Thursday evening without any. That's a lot to take in. It's been a little harder since I found out that I will have to wait for my reconstruction, since there will be a long period of time that there will be nothing there but a healing incision. At least with the reconstruction, I was still losing my boobs, but there would have been something there afterwards, but now, there will be nothing and I am gonna have a really hard time with that, I already am! Sure there will be prosthetics, but when it comes time to bath or go to bed, even those won't be there. I have caught myself feeling scolded, almost like I am being punished for complaining about have large breasts at one time or another, or for being aggravated with them for some reason. I know this is not the case, but still can't help but have those thoughts ever now and again. And believe me, it doesn't help knowing that my hair will be going either! Which reminds me, I have an appointment tomorrow to have it cut. I'm gonna go with a short do so that it won't be so much trouble to take care of after surgery. I bought me a gown over the wknd to take to the hospital, now I need to get me a bag packed. I'll only be there overnight, unless something comes up. I just hope and pray that when he checks the lymph nodes that they will be clear, and if it has spread to them, that it will be very few. I don't know if I mentioned it in the last post or not, but the more lymph nodes affected with cancer, the higher the chances are that the cancer will spread or develop in another area of my body. Oh how I wish this were all over with!
I got the sweetest little bear in the mail Friday! MO sent me a little avon breast cancer awareness bear and a beautiful card, thanks so much Michelle, it made my day!!

Not too bad...

Today's appointment, that is. It wasn't bad at all. Kim left work to be there with me and Doug, but then had to go back for the rest of her shift. I'm so blessed to have such a great support system! We really liked the oncologist, he went into a lot of detail with us and made sure we understood everything, gave us plenty of time to ask questions, and didn't make us feel rushed or that he needed to get on to the next patient. And, gosh, I'd say we were in there talking to him for an hour and a half, if not longer! Looks like I will be having chemo, and I'm thinking he said it would last over a course of 5 months. So they went ahead and contacted Dr Holt to have him put in a port while I'm in surgery. They will place that right below my collar bone and that's where I will receive all my chemo treatments, because the chemo would just burn my veins and damage them too much. I think losing my hair scares me more than any of this. I know it will grow back, and I don't even know if "scared" is the right word to use, but that's what I am dreading. I asked what the chances are of this cancer developing somewhere else in my body later down the road and he told me it depended a lot on the results of my lymph nodes. The more nodes affected by this, then the greater the chance of it coming back or developing somewhere else. I will be getting chemo every 2 wks for 16wks, so 8 chemo treatments. I think that's right, there was so much to take in today that I can't remember half of it, lol! I am scheduled to have a MUGA scan done Monday morning, and that will be checking my heart to make sure there isn't any problems that hasn't showed up elsewhere. All this stuff is starting to sink in some what, but still not all the way, it seems so surreal. It's like I know I have cancer, and I can say it a million times a day, but I'm not listening to myself. I guess that makes no sense at all, but I don't know any other way to explain it. And I try not to think about it no more than I have to, but does that make it denial? I just cannot thank God enough for the strength he has blessed me with to deal with this. Oh, and the dr also told me that I won't be able to be in crowded places a whole lot on count of my blood count may be too low at times and I will be at risk of infection. And was told that my summer vacation would probably not be a good idea, that was disappointing, but I understand. I really hate what this is doing to everyone around me! Our beach trip has to be cancelled because mom's sick, and they aren't old enough to really understand that. But, I can look at it this way, they are young enough that they will get over it and be happy go lucky within the same day! We have decided to go camping again this wknd, and take the kids to Dollywood! Thanks, Nana, for the passes!! Well, again tonight, I'm just flat out exhausted, so I'm signing out. Have a good wknd, just in case I don't get a chance to sit back down here tomorrow!

YAY!!!! We have a date!

Kim says she's never seen anybody so excited to have surgery, lol, and she works in the OR!! Ok, today's run-down, so far, anyway....I got up this morning, got the kids off to school and all that normal stuff, came home and instead of sitting down here at the computer, I actually made myself start cleaning in the kitchen! Just let me take a second to say, my house is in need of a major cleaning because we'll be expecting company and I'm just ashamed to let anyone come in. I'm no suzy-homemaker so actual cleaning is battle I fight constantly, lol. But anyway, I was determined to get the kitchen done today and was getting a good start, then got a call to take Doug's grandma to the dr office to get her medicine. Just let me tell ya, I could never tell her no, first of all, as long as I'm able and I have no appointments for myself, I would do anything for them, and second, they hardly ever ask us to help out, so I want to be sure they know they can count on us if they need to. But, I thought, of all days, lol!! So, I take her to get her meds up in Kingsport, stopped at the WalMart coming back so I could get a loaf of bread, woohoo, exciting, I know! Then she wanted me to stop at McDonald's so she could get Grayson a happy meal. We got back home around 1 and I let Gray stay at her house just long enough for me to come home a few minutes, she just lives at the end of our road anyway, and I knew I would be going back out to get the kids a little after 2. Well, while I was home, the nurse called and asked if Thurs, May 3rd would be ok for surgery, OF COURSE!!! I was tickled pink!! So she was gonna call and get it set up at the hospital and all that good stuff. She did, and called me back a couple hours later with the details. I go Mon for my pre-admit and then my actual surgery, bilateral mastectomy w/ no reconstruction at this time, will be thurs at 7:30, but I'll probably have to be there a lot earlier, like 6:30 maybe. It's just crazy how excited I am about having an actual date! I guess I better enjoy these puppies while I can, lol! For right now, I better get back to that kitchen duty I left hanging this morning!

Diet anyone?

Anybody up for a diet? Looks like the TRAM flap reconstruction is a "no-go", at least until I lose enough weight. How much is enough? Try 60lbs or more! But, this dr did tell me that I would not have to use the tissue expanders if I wasn't comfortable with them and that he has done plenty TRAM procedures later down the road where the patient did NOT use them and there was no problem. So, basically, today's appointment didn't amount to much. Looks like I will be having the bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction right now. And altho it seems like that is a lot of weight to shed, at least I have a goal to work towards, so I'm hoping that will make it a little easier. We did like this dr better, so that's a good thing, and we found out a little about insurance coverages that we didn't know too.
I had a message on my phone when we got out of the dr's office about my appointment with the oncologist, saying that they want to move my appointment up a day and wants me to call back. So, while I'm on the phone with my nurse, I ask if Dr Holt has gotten the results from my scans that were done this past fri. Looks like everything is ok! Hasn't spread and no more tumors were seen anywhere else! YAY!! She told me that Dr Holt was in surgery at the time but she would be seeing him around 1 o'clock and that she would let him know that reconstruction won't be done at the time of the mastectomy, that way they can go ahead and get me a surgery date! I'm really hoping they can get it done next week! As disappointing as it was being told I won't be able to have the TRAM, at the same time, it was a relief. It was a relief in the sense that recovery won't be as long as we were expecting and so summer plans are not gonna be interrupted as much as we thought. Oh well! I won't have a dr appointment until Thurs now, and maybe, just maybe, I will hear from Dr Holt tomorrow with a surgery date.

Off a camping we go...

Oh boy! The tests are over for now, and we are going camping!! We've had this camping trip planned for a very long time, and the day is finally here! The campground that we were going to had a scrapbook wknd planned and I am a scrapping nut, so is Kim! We got there around 7, maybe a little earlier, got checked in and set up. It was a really nice campground, but a little tight. The staff were really nice, and the whole campground was clean and nice. Our spot was right on the creek, and that sound was awesome!! Grilled us some burgers, and relaxed a while! Woke up before 7 saturday and was not pleased about that at all!! I was on vacation, I was suppose to be sleeping late! Anyway, Doug fixed a great breakfast, pancakes and bacon, yum-o! I happened to remember that I had some hot chocolate mix in the cabinet, so I fixed me some of that to go along with it! We got the men off on their merry way and it was time to scrapbook! Man it was crowded, lol, me and Kim were the only ones there to scrapbook! We stayed for about an hour then headed back to the camper to scrap a little, that way the dogs could lay outside if they wanted to, while we played. I ended up having to take a short nap, the babbling of the creek was like a lullaby. The guys were in a lot of traffic and was gone longer than expected, but that was ok too. It just pushed supper back a few hours, but it was well worth the wait! On the menu for saturday night we had steak, baked potatoes, corn on the cob, and salad! After that, we sat around the campfire and just enjoyed it! Slept really good, got up and started getting everything ready for the trip home. Everything went ok, stopped and had breakfast at Cracker Barrel, bought me an outfit there that was marked down that I thought would be a really good one for dr appointments and such. I either have just t-shirts or church clothes, not very much in between! Anyway, made it all the way to Rogersville and we had a blow out on one of the camper tires when we pulled out on 11W. UGH! It could have been worse I guess, it could have been two tires, or it could have been raining. Got that taken care of, then we finally made it home around 2:30 I think. As much as I love camping, it's always good to be home! And besides, I missed the kids like crazy! Now it's time to go outside and let the kids play a while and fix some supper on the grill.

Friday, April 20

Friday was a busy and hectic day, so I didn't have a chance to post anything. We got home from camping a little while ago and thought I would try and get this thing caught up.
Friday, we had to be at the Johnson City Medical Center at 7:30 am. Got there, but didn't know exactly which door to go in, there were two choices in this particular area, the door where all the employees were going in and then there was the "Cancer Center". They did mention at the dr's office that I would need to go to the cancer center, so I wasn't expecting to go there, and we went the other door, and walked down the hall to the heart center, knowing that's not where I needed to be, but at least there would be someone to point me in the right direction. The lady was real nice and I asked her where I needed to if I was having a PET/CT scan done and this is the response I get "Oh, honey, you need to go back out these doors and over to the cancer center." She had no clue how that made me feel, not that she said anything wrong, but just hearing somebody say that I needed to be in the cancer center was like a slap in the face! That was a BIG DOSE of reality, let me tell ya! When we had first pulled in the parking lot and I read that sign over the doors, I just casually thought that I may have to visit there one day, but thought nothing else about it. Ok, so anyway, we went in, get signed in and everything, sit down to wait our turn, and wait, and wait, and wait. We sat in that waiting room for over and hour. And it wouldn't have been as bad if I hadn't been told that I needed to drink about 30oz of water before this procedure, but thankfully I was allowed to empty my bladder if I needed to, and yes I needed to, three times to be exact! When I returned from my last bathroom visit, she was waiting there to take me back and get started. Here we are in this little tiny room, I have a seat, she checks my sugar levels, gives me some yucky stuff to drink, and then an iv in the arm, OUCH! It wasn't that she was rough, it just hurt! When that was all done, she laid that chair back that I was sitting in and put a blanket over my legs and told me that if I needed anything that I could wave toward the camera or just come out in the hallway, and turned the lights down as she went out the door. At this point, I would have given anything to have my mp3 with me, but I didn't, so I just laid back and took me a little nap, lol! When I woke up, my bladder felt like it was gonna pop, so I had to get up and go find the restroom, again, lol. I didn't have my watch on so I had no idea how long I had been asleep. I returned back to my little room and had just gotten comfortable again when another nurse came in and told me they were ready and that she needed me to empty my bladder, ha, one step ahead of ya, lady! The test itself wasn't bad, but what they have you lay on was terrible! It looked like a board, lol, and it also looked a lot more narrow that I am, so I knew it wasn't gonna feel too good. By the time they were done, about 20-30min, it felt like my back was broke. Right down near my tailbone, it was just burning!! It was all I could do to not wiggle around and get some relief on that one spot, but I wasn't suppose to move during the procedure, and I sure didn't want to have to go through it all again just because I moved! Well, that was done, got to put my bra back on, and I was done! She told me that my dr's office should give me a call maybe Mon or Tues to let me know the results. I'm pretty sure it's just to see if there are anymore tumors in my body. It really gives me a peace of mind knowing that too! So that was my first experience visiting the cancer center.

What a day!

I'm gonna have to stop telling myself that these dr visits are gonna be simple and that I will be home by lunch!! My appointment was with the plastic surgeon today, so I could find out if I was a candidate for the TRAM and so we could get everything ready to schedule. Well, we left the office not so happy. Yes, part of it was because he wouldn't do the TRAM at the same time of the mastectomy, but that wasn't the whole reason. Neither one of us got a good impression from the dr., and we just wasn't satisfied with him. Please remember while reading this that it is our own personal opinions and feelings, it's fine if you don't agree, but this is how WE feel. I wasn't comfortable with the dr, everybody has their person space, and I felt like he was in mine too much. And, yes, I know he is a plastic surgeon, and he has to observe what he will have to work with, but he was too touchy with me and that made me terribly uncomfortable. I mean, it's bad enough that I am having to sit in this office half naked, and the fact that the gown I was given was as close to nothing as it gets didn't help. Then he wanted to talk A LOT about the cancer and that he knew I would be cured from it....Ok, I need to take this time to say that, last night, I was reading on the Susan G. Koman website and about how it started, and I remember one part above a lot of it and it was when a surgeon had told her that she would be "cured" from cancer and that her sister thought that should have been the first sign to go see someone else. And maybe it wasn't a good idea to compare my situation with hers, but the thought was still there in my head, regardless. Now, back to my story.... And that I might have to go through chemo but that it wasn't as bad now as it use to be and blah blah blah. This was not why I was in his office, I was there to talk about the reconstruction, not the disease! Then he proceeded to tell me that he thought that a bilateral mastectomy was in my best interest, before he even knew that's what I had decided anyway, because he had a young patient just come in to have her remaining breast removed because her cancer had came back. HELLO!?!?! That's not something that I need/want to hear. I mean, sure, I know that's a risk factor in just having one removed, but shouldn't he have asked me what my decision was BEFORE he started telling me this, then discussed my options accordingly? Then without asking me what type of reconstruction I was hoping for, just started talking about implants, as if that was my only option. So just said I wasn't interested in implants, and asked about the TRAM flap. Sure, I would make a good candidate for the surgery, but that it would not be the same time of the mastectomy, he would have to wait til I lost some weight. Not what I wanted to hear, but I was gonna hear him out. He wasn't interested in talking any more on that subject, he went back to talking about implants! So, I say it again, "I don't want implants, that I wasn't comfortable with a foreign object(s) being inside of me". Ok, he understands and says that I'm not the only woman that feels that way, and starts talking about putting in expanders. Hmmm, without knowing a lot about that subject, I kept my mouth shut until he was finished, I hate nothing more than sticking my foot in my mouth because I haven't given someone time to finish what they were saying. And when he was done, I asked if he would explain the expanders a little more, and he did, and even showed me one. OK, but that is STILL a foreign object, he is not listening to me!!! And any of you reading this knows that I am not an outspoken person and I usually let somebody talk me into things just because I won't speak up, but this will affect the rest of my life, and this is my body for goodness sake!!! So I say it again, a little louder and a little more aggressive, "I DO NOT like the idea of having foreign objects inside of me!" UGH! It makes me mad even having to talk about it here, so to make the rest of the story short, I just told him that I would be seeing another plastic surgeon and thanked him for his time, and pretty much left the office in tears. Not because I didn't get my way, but because I felt like I wasn't being listened to and wasn't been given the opportunity to discuss how I felt about the other options.
Since his office was close to my general surgeon's office, we just went over there to see if I needed a referral to see the other plastic surgeon, for insurance purposes. And it was just meant for us to do that, the nurse asked me to come on back to a room so she could talk to us and was letting us know that Dr Holt was concerned that it was taking too long to get with plastics and that he wanted to know how I felt about having the mastectomy done now and reconstruction later, and also that he wanted me to have some CT scans and a PET scan to check for any other possible tumors. Not that he suspects there will be, but just as a precaution. I will have to be at the Johnson City location no later than 7:30 am tomorrow to get these done! YUCK! But, I still have camping to look forward to tomorrow evening! Also, Dr Holt wanted to go ahead and get me set up with an oncologist, and I will meet with him next Fri, the 27th.
Now, the other plastic surgeon stays booked up, and my nurse tells me that it's possible that I won't get in to see him in time before they have to do the mastectomy, but she would try and see what she could do. When she came back, she tells us that she pretty much just had to beg, lol! Told them my situation and that Dr Holt wanted to do the surgery soon, so they had her fax over my records and the nurse was gonna show this other dr and see if he could see me, and that they would call her back and let her know. We decided to wait in the waiting room til she got the call back, after all, we were taking up that exam room and we wasn't even suppose to be there! She comes to tell us that he has agreed to see me on Tues morning!!!!! Thank you Lord! Who knows, I may meet this one and not like him either, but I figured that I have the right to find out! I want this surgery done as soon as possible, but I don't have to settle on the first dr that I meet just to get it done sooner, ya know?
Well, I have lots to do, like getting the camper packed and ready to pull out tomorrow, so I need to wrap this post up! Til next time....

Don't really have anything in mind to write tonight/ this morning. It's 1:30am and I'm still up, even tho I know that I will feel like crap tomorrow. Went on the field trip, and had a great time with the kids, all of them, not just my own. But we went in one of the inside exhibits and it was a tad bit too warm in the building and that triggered a headache, and by the time I made it home around 4 o'clock, it was a full blown migraine! But I took something and laid down, and thankfully it went away about as fast as it came on. So that's the reason I am up, my dear husband let me sleep til 7, and I did not intend on sleeping that late! I was thinking about my last post and where I was mentioning my trust and faith in God. Well, it made me realize that it almost sounds like I think I am invincible, and that's not the case at all! I know that there is a chance that I won't make it through this thing, but you know what, I could just as easily die tomorrow from a car accident or something totally not relating to this disease, so why bring myself down thinking that I'm gonna die from cancer? It's just that I am peace with it, that's all. Oh, something to look forward to, we're going camping this wknd! AND, it will be a scrapping wknd for me and Kim! AND, the kids are staying with mamaw and papaw! AND, we will send the husbands to the RodRun! Ok, so I feel a little guilty leaving the kids home, but I deserve a break, and besides, it's not warm enough for them to swim, and that's their favorite part about camping.
A lot of people have been sharing links to other breast cancer blogs, and I am saving them all in my favorites, so keep them coming!! I would rather read actual "been there, done that" stories than the medical terminology! (Thanks, Chanda for the most recent link! I have read all of it already and really need to get in touch with her!) I love the cards that have been coming! Comments of encouragement and prayers are always a blessing. But the biggest blessing I could get is knowing that somebody could benefit from something I have wrote, so please, please, please, pass my blog along to anybody! And I appreciate each comment added, and apologize that I am not getting to respond personally to each one. I'm leaving you with a link I came across on another BC blog earlier today, thought it was cute.
http://www.circusofcancer.org/HTH-01.html

A few ramblings.

Well I called the plastic surgeon's office this morning, hoping that I may get in sooner, but no chance in that. So I guess I'll just have to wait til Thurs morning when I have an appointment. I know a few days won't make any difference this week, but I'm just so darn anxious to get this surgery set up and put an actual date on it!! Seems like the initial shock is wearing off some now, cause I have been thinking about it a whole lot more. I mean actually thinking about it, on a deeper level than just the facts of it. And, yes, it bringing me down a little more, but I'm not letting it get me to the point of thinking the worst. The realization is sinking in that there is cancer living in my body right now, and that I am gonna have my breasts taken off, and that they will no longer be a part of me. Don't take it the wrong way, I do still have my positive attitude about it, and I have no doubt that I will be a survivor and that I will be around for a much longer time, but the "here and now" part is starting to creep in on me. And I can't really say that I'm "scared", it's more...., well, I don't know how to explain it. Sure I'm scared on a certain level, who wouldn't be when they were faced with the news that you have cancer!? But, like the past couple of days, I have had a localized pain in my breasts, and knowing what I know now, I can't help but think that's what the pain is, where as if I didn't know I had cancer, I wouldn't even pay attention to it. And I have been really tired, just flat exhausted, but have I really been THAT tired, any more than usual? I mean, come on, having 3 kids is enough to make anyone tired, right? So am I really exhausted or is it all in my head? Little pesky things like this are getting to me. I want to associate every twitch or pain with the stupid cancer! Which brings me to this thought... I am NOT physically sick nor do I look like I am. If it were me on the other end of the phone or email, and I was being told my friend had cancer, I would probably assume that they looked "sick", or that they already feel terrible and sickly. So if the question popped into your head, the answer is no. I still look the same, and I still feel the same. This has pushed me to get in touch with a lot of friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in years, just sad that it took something like this to make me do it. BTW, I have recognized everybody that has posted a comment or emailed me so far. So in case you were wondering if I remembered you, I do. I encourage everybody to post a comment, ask questions, anything! I want to continue to be as open about this as I can.
I couldn't imagine going into all of this spiritually lost. My faith in God has grown so much over the past few weeks, and I have felt wonderful! It's like those first few days after you were saved, and you felt so close to the Lord, and there was no way you could forget he was walking right beside you, and you felt so safe, well that's how I have felt, and it's amazing! Thank you Lord for this wonderful, peaceful feeling!! I can understand where there would be some people get angry or resentful towards God at a time like this, but I haven't felt that way, and don't think that I could. It's gonna happen to somebody, and it's ok that it's me, there is a reason for it. Some have said that it just isn't fair, maybe not, but why would it be fair that it skipped me and hit the next person? Besides, getting angry about it isn't gonna make it go away.
On a lighter note, I got the chance to scrapbook a little this evening, which was great!! I think it may have been the first time I have done any since I was officially diagnosed. A big percentage of you reading my blog know that I am a die-hard scrapper! That's my thing. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you will if you stick around very long at all, lol!
I just needed to write a little tonight and get it all off my chest, no pun intended, lol! Tomorrow I will not have time to think about it. I cannot have cancer tomorrow! The twins have a their last field trip of the school year tomorrow, and they deserve to have the full attention of their mom there taking as many pics as possible!

My options.

Here I am faced with 3 options that will have a huge impact on the rest of my life. How do you decide? I was given my options and told to just get in touch with the office and make my appt to see Dr Holt again when I had decided.
Option #1: Lumpectomy with radiation. If I just go with having the lump removed, the chances are pretty good that it will come back down the road, but not definite.
Option #2: Left mastectomy, with or w/out reconstruction. I can have just the left breast removed, but will have the chance in it developing in the right side later down the road.
Option #3: Bilateral mastectomy, with or w/out reconstruction. Have them both removed and move on with my life.
I knew almost as soon as we left the dr's office that I wanted to go with the last choice. I don't want to be paranoid constantly every time I feel something. I would be thinking there was a lump when there really wasn't, and with the life I have, I really don't have time to be worried about it all the time.
Now I need to decide on reconstruction. It's definitely something I want done, but had no clue what was available. I have read a lot about the TRAM flap procedure and that will be my number one choice. Now I will just have to wait til my appointment with the plastic surgeon to see if I am a candidate. The TRAM flap is where they reconstruct the breast using the person's own abdominal muscle, fat, and skin.
Get my appt made for 4/09. Went in to see Dr Holt, and let him know what I had decided. And agrees that the bilateral mastectomy w/ reconstruction was a good decision. Gets me an appointment with the plastic surgeon for 4/19. When I see him, then he'll let me know if TRAM flap will be possible and we will move on from there. Not sure if I have said it yet or not, but I am so ready to get this show on the road! Get it over with, already!!
So I guess that pretty much has the dr appointments up to date. The waiting is killing me! If you get a chance, and are the slightest bit interested, you should read about TRAM flap, it's really interesting!!

The day that changed our life!

Here it was, April 4th, 2007, the day we went to see Dr Holt for him to give us the results from the biopsy. Kim was at work, she had called while I was getting ready to see how I was doing, so I should have been surprised when we pulled in the parking lot and there sat Kim in her car, but I wasn't. Not in the least. She needed to be there for me, and she was. You can't imagine all the things that was going through my mind. As I said in a previous post, I knew deep in my heart that is was cancer, but still there is that one voice that keeps telling me that I'm being silly, that it's not gonna be cancer, I'm too young! And even if I say that it's ok if it turns out to be cancer, that's doesn't make it any less scary. Doug and I was taken back to one of the exam rooms, and Kim waited in the front. I had prepared myself mentally to either hear benign or malignant, but wasn't ready when Dr. Holt walks in the room and says "it is cancer". NO! It can't be! NO! He did NOT just say that out loud. Please take it back, please. Why me? I'm in a great marriage, I have 3 beautiful little kids, I don't harm my body with smoking, drinking, or drugs. so why me? He proceeded to tell us what my options were and that he was gonna get me some things to read that may help us understand it a little better, and he leaves the room. Kim. Please get Kim and bring her back to where I was. She comes in and for the first time I have to say it. We broke down together, holding one another, and holding on tight! We were told that we could have the room for as long as we needed and then was left alone to soak in what we had been told. So now what? I had to walk through that door and face the world in a whole different way than how I had entered it. How was I gonna do it? I wasn't ready to do that! Can't I just stay in that one little exam room where no one else has to see me and I don't ever have to say it out loud again? Won't it just go away if I do that? No I can't, and no, it won't! The good Lord above had to be shoving me out of that exam room that day because I didn't do it of my own will. And He knew that once I got out that I would be ok, and I was. God provided me with the sweetest peace in my heart and I was ok!
I'm trying, a little at a time, to get this story up to now. It's almost there/here. Be patient. Again, thanks so much for the prayers, well wishes, comments, and everything else!