A few ramblings.

Well I called the plastic surgeon's office this morning, hoping that I may get in sooner, but no chance in that. So I guess I'll just have to wait til Thurs morning when I have an appointment. I know a few days won't make any difference this week, but I'm just so darn anxious to get this surgery set up and put an actual date on it!! Seems like the initial shock is wearing off some now, cause I have been thinking about it a whole lot more. I mean actually thinking about it, on a deeper level than just the facts of it. And, yes, it bringing me down a little more, but I'm not letting it get me to the point of thinking the worst. The realization is sinking in that there is cancer living in my body right now, and that I am gonna have my breasts taken off, and that they will no longer be a part of me. Don't take it the wrong way, I do still have my positive attitude about it, and I have no doubt that I will be a survivor and that I will be around for a much longer time, but the "here and now" part is starting to creep in on me. And I can't really say that I'm "scared", it's more...., well, I don't know how to explain it. Sure I'm scared on a certain level, who wouldn't be when they were faced with the news that you have cancer!? But, like the past couple of days, I have had a localized pain in my breasts, and knowing what I know now, I can't help but think that's what the pain is, where as if I didn't know I had cancer, I wouldn't even pay attention to it. And I have been really tired, just flat exhausted, but have I really been THAT tired, any more than usual? I mean, come on, having 3 kids is enough to make anyone tired, right? So am I really exhausted or is it all in my head? Little pesky things like this are getting to me. I want to associate every twitch or pain with the stupid cancer! Which brings me to this thought... I am NOT physically sick nor do I look like I am. If it were me on the other end of the phone or email, and I was being told my friend had cancer, I would probably assume that they looked "sick", or that they already feel terrible and sickly. So if the question popped into your head, the answer is no. I still look the same, and I still feel the same. This has pushed me to get in touch with a lot of friends that I haven't seen or spoken to in years, just sad that it took something like this to make me do it. BTW, I have recognized everybody that has posted a comment or emailed me so far. So in case you were wondering if I remembered you, I do. I encourage everybody to post a comment, ask questions, anything! I want to continue to be as open about this as I can.
I couldn't imagine going into all of this spiritually lost. My faith in God has grown so much over the past few weeks, and I have felt wonderful! It's like those first few days after you were saved, and you felt so close to the Lord, and there was no way you could forget he was walking right beside you, and you felt so safe, well that's how I have felt, and it's amazing! Thank you Lord for this wonderful, peaceful feeling!! I can understand where there would be some people get angry or resentful towards God at a time like this, but I haven't felt that way, and don't think that I could. It's gonna happen to somebody, and it's ok that it's me, there is a reason for it. Some have said that it just isn't fair, maybe not, but why would it be fair that it skipped me and hit the next person? Besides, getting angry about it isn't gonna make it go away.
On a lighter note, I got the chance to scrapbook a little this evening, which was great!! I think it may have been the first time I have done any since I was officially diagnosed. A big percentage of you reading my blog know that I am a die-hard scrapper! That's my thing. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, you will if you stick around very long at all, lol!
I just needed to write a little tonight and get it all off my chest, no pun intended, lol! Tomorrow I will not have time to think about it. I cannot have cancer tomorrow! The twins have a their last field trip of the school year tomorrow, and they deserve to have the full attention of their mom there taking as many pics as possible!